Day Two

Rule 2

“The path to the Truth is a labour of the heart, not of the head. Make your heart your primary guide! Not your mind. Meet, challenge and ultimately prevail over your nafs with your heart. Knowing your ego will lead you to the knowledge of God.”

We spend our whole lives in the pursuit of rational, logical thought. I, myself, am a big fan of these things. The Vulcan-like pursuit of logic is, in my opinion, admirable. Imagine if we were all governed by logic, all the time?

Q: Shall I eat this entire packet of biscuits?

A: No, it will make you unhealthy. 

Q: Shall we go to war?

A: No, because it's all a joke invented by rich old men to get richer.

Q: Shall I smoke this cigarette?

A: What do you think, genius?

Q: Speeding unnecessarily is fun!

A: I give up on you, human.

Q: Let's go break some windows over a cartoon!

A: &*(^#*%^ @)*&$!

Sadly, humans are illogical, irrational, and completely incapable of self-governance. Most of us lack the moral compass to make good decisions and do the right thing. Life is complicated, we say. Emotions are complicated, we lament. What if, just what if, they weren't? Life, emotions... they can be as simple or as complicated as we want them to be.

A few years ago, I pulled a muscle while lifting a suitcase, and it hurt me to even breathe. I saw a physiotherapist for a few sessions, a Belgian lady. This woman fixed my muscular problem in one session, I just kept going back to her for fun. It was like talking to a life coach with a massage as a bonus. Ka-ching!

She asked me why my shoulders were so tense. I said it was because that's where I hold all my stress. She asked what I was stressed about. I started a nice list of this stresses me out, that stresses me out... And she said, "No. These things don't stress you out. You get stressed out by them."

*Cue hallelujah music and bright lights shining.*

Duh. It was that simple. I can't control anything in this world, except for my reactions to those things.

Most of our decisions are governed by our "nafs", which is the "false ego" (the pure ego is the heart at its best, which is what we should aim to listen to). Now, what if someone has a downright rotten heart? The premise is that the heart, once we truly understand it, cannot be rotten. It is one with the universe, and simply knows what the right thing is. What confuses the heart is the "nafs", all the negative ideas we have of what life is meant to be like, and what we are meant to do or be like.

In my life, the worst manifestation of my "nafs" is, "what will people think?" It pervades every aspect of your life: personal, professional, artistic. You let go of this one, and you can suddenly breathe again. With time, I am very, very slowly beginning to see it for what it is.

Is my "nafs" also the clue to my anger? Maybe to an extent. The thought that I am not in control or a good parent in the eyes of others could bring on a fit of rage, but it's not the whole answer. Even as I write this, there's so much fear of what others will think. Well, here is me letting go. *Imaginary high five with Shams.*

Ah, anger. You wicked mistress, you. So, how did Day One go? I got one sad face, and I blame it on the bedtime routine. Ok, I know, I know, I blame it on myself. It's an improvement from the day before though, when I would have had a page full of sad faces because my default mode was "Hulk".

I won't say it's not frustrating though. It's one thing to stop being SO angry, and that clearly has to stop; but disciplining children in this generation is no joke. They're wicked smart, they have a comeback to almost everything, and value hardly anything because most of their toys are disposable. So, if they, for instance, destroy a book that is very difficult to find, how can we get it across to them that it was not a good thing to do? You don't want your children to be afraid of everything, and as a result do absolutely nothing; however, you don't want them to be reckless because you couldn't say "no". There has to be a balance, consequences. How do we get our children to hear their own moral compass over their "nafs"?

So many questions, so much to work through, but I'm in this for the long haul. I think I'll have one biscuit after all (just the one... ok, ok, the third today, but come on, this anger management business is hard!).

40 Days of Love - Day One

I recently read Elif Shafak's "The Forty Rules of Love". At the risk of sounding clichéd, it felt like every instinct and question I had about faith had been answered in a bestselling work of fiction. Well, sort of - Rumi and Shams are not fictional characters, nor is the Mathnavi and Rumi's philosophy. Reading Shafak's novel, though, is merely to scratch the surface of Sufism. A mere whiff.

When I gave myself the nickname "Angry Mom" a few years back on some of my writing, it was not a joke. Since my second pregnancy, I have had rage issues. The difference in me was so stark, and I still can't explain what happened or why, simply that I would feel it welling up inside me, and I had no control over it. Small things set me off, things that don't make any real difference in life, and I could just ignore. It's a choice. At the same time, I feel the responsibility lies on me to shape my kids into human beings worth sending out into the world. Finding the balance between discipline and love is a daily struggle for me.

On Sunday, we met some amazing people, and one lady said, "I feel like I have woken up from a 10 year amnesia". I knew exactly what she meant. She had rediscovered her art after ten years, and was slowly remembering who she was, what music she used to listen to, her likes and dislikes, who she was as an individual. We give ourselves completely to our children when they are small, and it's wonderful and necessary; but soon they don't need us all the time, and we are left staring at the mirror, not recognizing the person staring back at us.

It was important for me and my husband to hear it from someone else, that I have not been going crazy, that others go through this as well. I don't pretend to understand exactly what I'm going through, and that's what this journey is about.

I have started doing certain things to bring some balance back in my life. I love the 40 Rules, and I feel that in my quest to rid myself of my rage and try and understand myself better, it might just be a good starting point. Others have tried the "40 Rules in 40 days" thing, so why not give it a try? I know that the actual crux of it is in addition to reading scripture and getting to the fourth level, and maybe that is my next step. Right now, though, I need to put "Angry Mom" to rest. I need to bring peace and sanity back in my home.

So, welcome to my crazy journey! Let's see what the next 40 days bring...

Disclaimer: If you're looking for a serious analysis of the 40 rules, you will want to go back to my best friend Google, and keep searching. If you're incapable of taking anything in life too seriously, then you're right where you need to be. 

Day One

Rule 1

“How we see God is a direct reflection of how we see ourselves. If God brings to mind mostly fear and blame, it means there is too much fear and blame welled inside us. If we see God as full of love and compassion, so are we.”

As George Takei would say, "Ohhhh Myyyyyyy". Talk about a loaded gun. My immediate thoughts go out to all the darling people I see preaching brimstone and fire, hell and punishment, rewards only if you recite abc xyz number of times, reducing religion to formula. I have never been able to see God that way, and hearing of Him that way has made me uneasy since I was a child. 

But hey, c'mon, T, that's not the point. WWSS - What Would Shams Say? He'd say, stop worrying about what the others are up to. Worry about yourself. 

I made the decision to make today Day 1, well, today. I was in yoga class (I've only completed my first month, but I do enjoy it a lot), and our teacher was making us breathe all kinds of crazy breaths. In that lovely, light-headed state, I decided, that's it. No more yelling, T, no more. Be zen. When you feel like ripping someone's head off, look at it like it's an angry red ball in front of you, and let it float away.

Ah yes, yoga breathing makes you light-headed and happy in that very moment, and you feel like you can do just about anything. But my favorite part of yoga class is the nap-time at the end. I mean, um, the relaxation / meditation part. Pfft, of course I don't nap or sometimes wake myself up by accidentally snoring or anything. Moving on.

So, how did day one go? I made behavior charts for the girls AND myself. If we yell or behave badly, we get a sad face. If we are nice, we get a happy face. Yes, I get a chart, too, because I am trying to keep myself in check, and I guess move from a totalitarian regime to a democratic household. Hey, if Pakistan can do it, so can I!

I've had a few spells of scolding today, but no actual yelling. So, ok. Not a bad start. That said, we still have the bedtime routine to go, so... wish me luck!

springtime blues

Ah, spring. So beautiful, so alive, so... lethal. For allergy sufferers, it's the most painful time of the year. On the one hand, you want to enjoy the great outdoors, mother nature, blow some dandelions and have picnics on the grass. Sadly, about five minutes into it, you wish you could cut off your nose. Islamabad is especially brutal in this respect - its beauty in the spring is unparalleled. It is, also, the allergy capital of the world, and the excessive construction is making it worse, as I am witnessing from status updates by countless friends. Allergy sufferers, let us unite and... and... oh, sod it. All this sneezing has made me too tired to think. 

on "the life-changing magic of tidying up", a.k.a. the konmari method

decisions, decisions

for Poppy, with love

On Saturday night, we lost one of the greats. Shayan Afzal Khan, affectionately known to all of us as "Poppy", lost her long and bravely fought battle with cancer. Of the many things we learned from this remarkable lady, whom I am proud to call my mentor and friend, it was to live life with passion. Never back down. Focus on the positive. Encourage and empower those who need it, and recognize that sometimes those who don't seem to need it actually do the most. Fight for what is right, but always with graceful words. Be inclusive. Have a big heart, and if it isn't big, stretch it beyond its comfort zone. Smile, though your heart is breaking. Wear bright colors, they will make you feel better. Dress up! Dance to your heart's content. Read, read, read. Ask the right questions. Ask yourself what YOU can do to help. Don't forget your manners but don't let them get in the way of having fun, either. Be polite. Be brave. Be loving.

A poppy is the symbol of remembrance for veterans. She was a warrior of the best kind, a warrior of thoughts and words - a Poppy to remember, always and forever. She leaves behind her two beautiful warriors, her daughters, who have inherited her grace and strength in spades. She lives on through them, and through Kuch Khaas - the Centre for Arts, Culture and Dialogue, in Islamabad. Your chair may be empty, Poppy, but your spirit fills this space. We have been sitting here for the last two days, soaking up your essence, sharing memories, remembering your perfume, your big water glass full of ice throughout the year, your red lip crayon in the pen holder on your desk, the scrunchie and puzzle ring you would always be fidgeting with... by remembering these small details, by keeping them alive, we get some small comfort. When we start crying, we remind ourselves that if you were here, you'd tell us off and tell us to cheer up, chin up, smile and laugh. This life is too short to be sad.

To the bravest of them all. Here's to you, our warrior. 

moral compass

While driving this morning, I saw three high-school age boys on a motorbike. While zig-zagging through cars, not wearing helmets, they drove past a fruit seller pushing his cart, which is when the one at the back decided to take the racket in his hand and smack a bunch of bananas off the cart. The bananas flew on the road while the poor fruit seller scrambled to pick them up (here we pay per banana, so it's not a cheap fruit for a poor person, and it must have cost him a fair bit) as cars flew past. The boys were laughing heartily. I felt my blood boil, so I sped up and rolled down my window, ready to give them a piece of my mind, but they were speeding away through cars, so I had no choice but to yell to myself and honk angrily at them, saying in Urdu, "Aren't you ashamed? He's a poor man!", hoping they could hear my shouts. They just looked mildly confused by my incessant honking, but couldn't hear a word, and I already knew that if they could hear me they'd point at me and laugh. Still, I wish I could have told them off, their laughing at me doesn't bother me at all.

My mother was in the car with me, and urged me to stop trying to catch up. She was equally furious at them, but felt it was futile.

I said, "I would love to teach them some manners, since their mothers clearly didn't!"
My mother said, "Who knows, maybe their poor mothers tried, but they didn't learn."
"I refuse to believe any child with a proper upbringing would do that to a poor fruit seller", was my reply.

We then talked about the fruit sellers who go to the "mandi" early in the morning to get the fruit and sell it around the city. It's a hard life, and I can't imagine they earn well. By this point we had reached school to pick up the kids.

It got me thinking, though... What kind of person does that? This was one small example on the road, a mean-spirited action towards a poor person whom that kid had nothing against. What kind of home does that kid come from, what has he been taught? Does he have any moral compass to speak of?

The responsibility of raising a decent human being is daunting to me. At times, I am sure I am failing miserably at it because while trying to teach right from wrong these days I'm mostly losing my temper and being a bad example.

One of my older child's first teachers told me that, according to research, we have the first seven years to instil right and wrong in a child. By that point, the essence of who they will become is set. That's terrifying, because you assume that as they grow and become better at communicating, you will be able to reason with them more effectively. If you think about it, though, it makes sense that their moral compass sets itself as they perceive and understand the world, in their rapid development and early years stages. The question is, how do we make it unquestionably and irrevocably point North?

I don't have the answers for this. All I feel I can do is to talk to them, explain to them, why something is wrong, and hope it sinks in somewhere. Not for fear of punishment, or fear of failure, but that wrong is wrong because it hurts someone else, or it's dishonest, or... and you fill in the blanks as you are confronted with one difficult situation after another. I don't shy from telling my kids if I have made that same mistake. Their mother is human, they might as well know it from now. Half the time I'm muddling through this myself.

All I do know is this. These little human beings we've brought into this world will one day go out there, and they will either be spreading and doing good, or throwing fruit off a seller's cart. I would never forgive myself if it were the latter.