Day Thirty One

Rule 31

“If you want to strengthen your faith, you will need to soften inside. For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather. Through an illness, accident, loss or fright, one way or another, we are all faced with incidents that teach us how to become less selfish and judgmental and more compassionate and generous. Yet some of us learn the lesson and manage to become milder, while some others end up becoming even harsher than before…”

"It is life that has made me the way I am." Something you will hear often, kind of a mantra for the bitter I suppose. I know I've said it often enough! Life throws curveballs at you. Some of them are practically molotov cocktails aimed at your head. Survival is hard, and you have to be strong to do it, I firmly believe that. 

But does "strong" actually mean what we think it means? My head would say, close yourself off to this pain, don't ever allow it to happen again, people are scum, etc. etc. In my heart I would know that's not true, though. My cynic and my romantic sides are always conversing with each other, the dichotomy is something I accept and embrace, since both are necessary. 

There are tragedies beyond comprehension, and it's hard to say at that point that anything is meant to be. I have seen people in such circumstances, and many of them are still the most loving and positive people you will meet. It makes you marvel at their strength, but I still wish they never had to go through such trials. 

It is often the petty trials that bring out our ugliest side, and that's where I feel this rule packs a punch. Don't fall into the traps, try to empathise. I read somewhere that we should never take anything personally, because whatever wrong someone does to you is about them, their own issues and insecurities. A few years ago, a friend of ours and her 5-year old son were held at gunpoint in her car outside a bakery. The gunman pointed the gun at her child's head and said, "Say you forgive me for stealing your car". She complied, the car was stolen, but both were safe. When I told this story to another friend as a caution to be vigilant in that area, he said, "Wow, that's someone who's having a really bad day". He meant the assailant. I would have never considered thinking about the kind of day the assailant was having, quite frankly. On the one hand, I felt like saying, "What?? Are you kidding me?", but on the other hand, I admired his compassion. I still feel the same. 

At the end of every yoga class, our teacher leads us in a wish at the end of meditation: "May all be free from disease and disability, may all look to the good of one another, may all be happy, and may none suffer from sorrow". It is a wish for all mankind, and it's one of my favorite things about class. After nap time, of course. 

Day Thirty

Rule 30
“The true Sufi is such that even when he is unjustly accused, attacked and condemned from all sides, he patiently endures, uttering not a single bad word about any of his critics. A Sufi never apportions blame. How can there be opponents or rivals or even “others” when there is no “self” in the first place? How can there be anyone to blame when there is only One?”

Yesterday, I touched briefly on why I walked away from my first love... theatre. It stopped being a team sport, which was what I loved most about it. It became about outdoing each other, outdoing your last show, every time the focus shifted more towards what your general public wants. Creatively, it was slow murder. Insolent Knights, the troupe Natasha Ejaz and I formed together in 2008, was born out of a desperate need to put the fun and creativity back into theatre, and take out all the pressure of "outdoing" anything or anyone, censorship restrictions, and funding or sponsorships. We performed in a tiny room at Civil Junction our first year, with audiences sitting on the floor and packed in like sardines. We had one spotlight (a tall lamp we borrowed from Atif Siddique's house and brought to the venue in my Santro with the top part sticking out of the window as Atif held it), a portable stereo which we only used once, and no entrance charge. This was only possible because Mr. Arshed Bhatti, the owner of CJ, was kind enough to let us use that space for free (something he did on so many various occasions I don't think we can ever properly thank him). 

We had so much fun in those early performances, and took such creative license that we miss it. We performed at NCA Pindi, Nysa Lounge, and Kuch Khaas, where we have performed since 2010. Insolent Knights is still dear to my heart, but I feel we've lost our raw quality, that experimental feel. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that Natasha and I aren't in the same city anymore, and part of the energy was the two of us laughing hysterically over chips and soup at CJ. Us saying, "Wouldn't it be crazy if...?" Of course it would be crazy, and that's how we liked it. It was not about perfect performances, not at all - we embraced all the lost creative souls in the city just because they wanted to be there. You want to perform? We will find a way to include you. There were no auditions, just an open door policy. We worked a lot on the newbies, no doubt, from writing to performance, but it was that atmosphere of creativity without stifling control that made it special... at least to me. 

I could blame a number of things for why I walked away from commercial theatre, but the blame game is pointless. The only truth worth knowing is that I chose to walk away from it. I might go back, one day, if the time is right. When and if I do, I will know better not to take everything to heart, not to be mortally afraid of failure, and to create from within.

Even if you have to pay the bills and do something that you're not crazy about, find the time to create for yourself. Not because it's what people will like to read / see / hear, NO. But because it's what you want to say, what you have to say, otherwise you will spontaneously combust. Create because you need to create. 

As for competition, when you create for yourself, there is no competition, not even yourself. 

On a completely unrelated note, I have an observation to share, and I'm curious about whether or not this happens with other people also. Here goes: every time I get a phone call, my offspring decide that it's the perfect time to pretend like they're training for the circus. I mean, that's the only thing I can imagine they must be trying to do, otherwise how can I explain the acrobatic jumping, running in circles and loud yelling? It happens every single time, and can only end in tears (both mine and theirs). I've tried going into another room, only to be followed endlessly. As a result, I rarely talk on the phone anymore, so people think I'm careless with my phone (true) or antisocial (possibly), but... it's just too stressful. There's no way I can concentrate on a phone conversation in such conditions. I think I also have phone phobia. I don't know if that's a thing, but if it is, I have it. It started as a mortal fear of the phone ringing when one of the babies had just fallen asleep. After some time it became a mortal fear of the phone ringing at all. Ok, ok, I am getting better since they don't nap anymore, now it's more me leaving my phone in a different room. I apologize to my friends who have been let down by my phone phobias - it's not you, it's definitely me. 

Day Twenty Nine - 40 Rules of Love / 40 Days of Love

Rule 29

“Destiny doesn’t mean that your life has been strictly predetermined. Therefore, to live everything to the fate and to not actively contribute to the music of the universe is a sign of sheer ignorance. The music of the universe is all pervading and it is composed on 40 different levels. Your destiny is the level where you play your tune. You might not change your instrument but how well to play is entirely in your hands.” - Rumi

"You are entitled to nothing."

- Frank Underwood, "House of Cards"

Finally started season 3 of "House of Cards", I wanted to wait till I could focus and really enjoy it. Oh, how I love the show. Every time Kevin Spacey breaks the fourth wall, I feel gleeful like a kid in a candy store. And Robin Wright... holy wow. It's the modern day Macbeth, and I adore it. 

In a game-changing speech in the second episode, Frank Underwood looks straight at the camera and tells the American people, "You are entitled to nothing." 

Think about that for a moment. You are entitled to nothing. Recently we've been seeing a lot of talk about not raising a generation of "entitled" brats. I'm sure you all know some entitled little sh*ts, as well, people who walk around expecting that they are due something simply because of who they are. Or simply because they are. 

"It's my fate."

"It's my destiny."

It's all bull. You make your fate, you make your destiny. If there's anything you can learn from the Underwoods, it's that you have to seize the opportunities, nobody gets anything by waiting around because it's their "destiny". Obviously, you shouldn't resort to the means the Underwoods use to get what they want (uhhhh... they're ruthless sociopaths). But there is no way you will fulfil any destiny other than being a couch potato if you don't help yourself.

Until very - and I mean very - recently, I had the worst writer's block. My own words scared the living daylights out of me, and I can't explain why. I can only guess at the things that contributed to it. One of those is that theatre is practically a competitive sport, especially where I live. You will always be compared to others, even if they are doing the polar opposite of what you're interested in. The revival was squashed before it was fully breathing, unfortunately.

Then, there was availability. In any industry, there is always going to be someone younger and with more free time than you to do the job. Some people can resume their normal pace after having kids and I am in such awe of them... I am clearly not one of them for a number of reasons (serious trust issues with caretakers, the need to be there regularly at bedtime, etc.). For a while, that meant I did absolutely nothing creatively, and that's exactly what I needed to do at the time. Sadly, stifling my creativity had other effects I didn't realize till I got through that haze. Once I made up my mind that I have to do something, and after trying to keep pace with single people at work, I realized that not only could I not keep up, I didn't want to. Still, I am not entitled to anything. So, if I want to do something with my life, I decided I have to do it on my own terms, in my own way, and I am still figuring out exactly what that is. Every single day, I try to take one step closer.

Are you playing the right instrument? If we must, let us change our instruments, stick to our instruments, or make up new instruments! That's not what matters, the important thing is to each play our own tune the best we can. Are you jamming right now? I hope you are, and if you've had a hard time with it, take it from someone who was on mute for a while... you'll get there, but it's in your hands to start playing again. 

Day Twenty Eight

Rule 28

“The past is an interpretation. The future is an illusion. The world does not move through time as if it were a straight line, proceeding from the past to the future. Instead time moves through and within us, in endless spirals. Eternity does not mean infinite time, but simply timelessness. If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment.”

Quantum physics, anyone? 

Ha. No, but on a serious note, how we perceive time and space is constantly changing. In a book called "Einstein's Dreams" by Alan Lightman, the author tries to give the reader some insight into how Einstein himself was working through his own perception of time as he worked on his theory of relativity. And then there was that absolute mind-boggler, "Interstellar". It's amazing to see how this idea interconnects across time itself. 

This rule even puts into question our perception of "eternity", which directly affects our notion of an afterlife. Rumi puts forth that eternity is "simply timelessness". How you take that is up to you, I know that for me it helps solidify a feeling that the afterlife as described in scripture is simplified for us to understand it, but does not look or feel anything like time, space or being as we know it. 

Forget about that thought for the moment. Be in this moment. That's a tough one. Being in the present, fully present, letting go of the past, and not trying to predict the future is the toughest thing for us all. I'm rubbish at it, I can tell you that. My brain refuses to go blank while I'm awake. It's exhausting, though. That's why I need to really put more of an effort into the meditation / relaxation part of class and not fall asleep! 

I can tell you what feels like a spiral, alright. The daily grind, the daily routine. Wash, rinse, repeat... for all of eternity. What are we working for? What are we running around like crazy for? What is this rat race we've created for ourselves? This is why I start fantasizing about dropping everything and for our little family to just get up and go anywhere we like, and do something crazy. Start a new life. Screw the safety nets, get out of the rut, the idea that this is crazy and responsible adults don't just do that. But, what if... just what if it's the other way round? What if that's exactly what we are meant to be doing instead of being corporate rats? Some people really love their jobs and their structured lives, and I don't mean to belittle them at all. I am very happy for them. But with time, I strongly feel it's not something I want as much as I thought I did. Plus, I have a terrible case of wanderlust (blame it on my urban nomadic globe-trotting childhood, something I wouldn't trade for the world). My friends and I often have this conversation, where we say, ok, let's just do it. Let's buy a guest house in Thailand and run it together. Why the heck not? Well, it's nice to dream for a while. 

Time is crucial, but to me, so is space. Each place you go to brings out a different part of your personality, allows you to discover something new about yourself because it throws you into the unfamiliar. Sometimes, you'll go somewhere you've never been before and feel right at home, too. No matter where we've moved, I've always tried to embrace it wholeheartedly, give it time to see what's in store. Some moves have proved to be far better than others. Either way, it's always an adventure. 

If you're stuck in a real rut in life, my advice is... move. Up and go. This option is not available to everyone and is getting tougher by the day, but if you can and are so inclined, don't think too much about it. I mean, this lady seems pretty pleased about her decision to start over. When David Bowie wanted to reinvent himself, clean up and get out of his own rut, he moved to Switzerland and then Berlin (1976). Berlin defined a new sound in his career, and is one of the reasons he is the legend he is today. 

Sometimes, you just need to find a new sound to change the course of your life. 

Day Twenty Seven

Rule 27

“Whatever you speak, good or evil, will somehow come back to you. Therefore, if there is someone who harbours ill thoughts about you, saying similarly bad things about him will only make matters worse. You will be locked in a vicious circle of malevolent energy. Instead for forty days and nights say and think nice things about that person. Everything will be different at the end of 40 days, because you will be different inside.”

Wait, so now I have to not only see the good in all people, but I have to actually say nice things about them, too? 

It's surprisingly not that hard to find something good about someone, even if it's just one thing. Can you think of one person who is completely, irredeemably despicable? Maybe you can, fortunately I can't think of anyone I actually know in person. Moving past disagreements is very liberating, staying in a deadlock of anger is just taxing. Not worth it. 

To me, this rule = karma's a bi*ch. [You know, whenever I say that, a part of me thinks, "well how very sexist!" Hmph. Why isn't he a jerk? But then the phrase, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" comes to mind, and the idea of universal justice being a feminine force suddenly appeals to me. Maybe it's time to reclaim the word bi*ch from bad rap songs. Own that bi*ch.]

Since we're talking about words, I want to talk about swearing. Love it or hate it, there's no denying it's taboo for most. It makes some people uncomfortable. Other people can't say 2 words without swearing. Have you ever seen a little kid swear? It's shocking yet comical at the same time, and the way they enjoy doing it proves that it's the height of liberation.

I will never forget the first time I was exposed to prolific swearing. My mom and I had gone to the cinema to see "Casino" (great cast, it looked like a good idea). Oh. My. Goodness. Every other word out of Joe Pesci's mouth was f*ck. And there I was, 14 years old, sitting next to my mom. Awkward! 

A lot has changed since then. When I had kids, I became strictly PG, but you can't hide who you are for long, even from your kids. And once the floodgates open... I really wish I didn't relish it so much, but it's therapeutic. Especially while driving. Or all the time, really. And yet, I have a hard time typing swear words. I'm not sure why the discrepancy, but in the interest of not completely alienating the more sensitive of you, it's probably for the best. I'm a reserved potty mouth, if there is such a thing. I make up a lot of terms, don't I? 

So yeah. Try not to talk sh*t about others, because karma's a bi*ch and she's coming for you, yeah she's coming for you... 

*Whistles*

Even if you think you hate someone's guts (start thinking about one such person right now), try to think of one decent thing about them, visualize the bad as a big red ball and push it far away. Hold on to that one nice thing. I'm not saying you should go back to trusting someone who's hurt you and who is clearly a jacka$$, no. I'm saying this so you don't hold on to your anger towards them, and as a consequence poison your own life. Break the "cycle of malevolent energy", free yourself from it. At the very least you'll be rid of that negativity, and at best, you will gain a friend. 

Day Twenty Six

Rule 26

“The universe is one being. Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all in a silent conversation. Do no harm. Practice compassion. And do not gossip behind anyone’s back – not even a seemingly innocent remark! The words that come out of our mouths do not vanish but are perpetually stored in infinite space and they will come back to us in due time. One man’s pain will hurt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone smile.”

Here's another one to add to my favorites. This whole rule, all of it, is made of pure love. Each and every sentence is worth mulling over. 

"Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories."

This makes me think of Professor Xavier's contraption that connects him to all the other mutants in X-men. Yes, you read that right, that's exactly how I picture this. Seriously, though, isn't it mind boggling? The universe as a "being", and that too "one being". I can't properly get my head around what that means, and the kind of responsibility that puts on our shoulders for the vibes we put out there...

"Do no harm. Practice compassion."

And there you have it. Black on white. It's not rocket science - don't do bad things. Period. 

"The words that come out of our mouths do not vanish but are perpetually stored in infinite space and they will come back to us in due time."

What an incredibly karmic concept. I don't know about you, but I've seen karma in action, and it's impressive. Don't just not do bad things, don't SAY bad things. Don't write bad things. Whatever hurtful word or deed you put out there will come back to haunt you, trust me on this. If you know you've put out something hurtful at some point and you feel sorry, then say it and make amends. You can't erase the ink of the past, but you can change the flow starting right now. 

No matter how you do it... by paying it forward, helping someone out, saying something kind, or even smiling and saying hello, the second you put out a good word or deed, you're changing the energy of the whole universe. Now let that sink in. The same for any negativity. Sometimes, it's too easy to wallow in misery and frustration, but those vibes will work their way around and come right back to you. Now it's easy to grasp this concept, but the implementation is decidedly harder. 

The point on gossip... it's the bane of many people's lives. It's not a girl thing, sometimes boys are the worst gossips! It's not just an aunty thing, though they are notorious for good reason. And it's not just a South Asian thing. It's a human thing, and it's very tempting. Often, people will repeat a rumor even if they know it's far-fetched and ridiculous. 

But here's a thought: if and when you hear a rumor or idle gossip, let it end with you. Don't take it further, not even a whisper. If possible, tell the person who is inflicting it on you that it's not ok, but whether or not you can do that, let the buck stop right here, with you. 

"One man’s pain will hurt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone smile.”

We are all responsible for one another, for creating heaven or hell, for the collective good. Day 26, and it's easy to see how the rules, just like people, are connected to each other beautifully. 

As far as happy vibes go, tonight's bedtime routine had lots of happy vibes. The little one picked out a book for bedtime reading - Dr. Seuss, or "Dr. Deuce" as she called him. And so I read them, "Oh the Places You'll Go", which was a gift to me from some very dear friends, and what a beautiful book it is, no matter how old you are. If you haven't read it, grab a copy right now. If you have, read it again. Thank you, Dr. Seuss, for putting such beautiful words out there for all of us to enjoy. Tonight, you brought some good vibes into our home... and that, friends, is how the universe works. 

Day Twenty Five - 40 Rules of Love / 40 Days of Love

Rule 25

“Each and every reader comprehends the Holy Qur’an on a different level of tandem with the depth of his understanding. There are four levels of insight. The first level is the outer meaning and it is the one that the majority of the people are content with. Next is the Batin – the inner level. Third, there is the inner of the inner. And the fourth level is so deep it cannot be put into words and is therefore bound to remain indescribable.”

Words. They can be so wonderful, so magical, but sometimes they can rip you right apart. Words that harm, words that heal. It all depends on who uses them and how.

Last night, I went into Hulk mode. It was not pretty, I hated it, but it was necessary. They have to know not to cross a certain line with others, something they need to know for the rest of their lives. I love them more than my own life, but that will probably not be the case with others, and they have to know that even with their parents, they have to be considerate.

That said, I did not want the sun to set on my anger. After I recomposed myself, we kissed and hugged, I apologized to them. I asked them to help me, as well. We are a team, one unit, and have to be mindful of each other. I asked them why they fight so much. It was a very candid conversation, and I was glad we had it. We then decided on a code word whenever someone was about to lose it, a signal to defuse the situation. They chose the word "bum", and then giggled madly. Well, that will surely defuse the situation!

Image via Fowl Language Comics

I bet this is how God feels about the various religions, too...

Words... crucial to our lives, but so dangerous in the wrong hands. Today's rule is about understanding the Holy Qur'an, but I believe it applies to any scripture, or even the universe at large. As far the Holy Qur'an goes, there is no shortcut - it's already no simple task because the original is in Arabic, one of the most nuanced and complex languages on earth. A friend was telling me that it took a noted scholar over 20 years to translate just one passage, and she could understand why - as she herself was trying to learn Arabic, it was the only language that got harder the more you learned. This means that translations don't really do it justice, and since most of the Muslim world is non-Arab speaking (this link will give you some perspective), we rely on translations. 

Not all translations are created equal, people. In the wrong hands, a passage can be interpreted in a very skewed way. This is addressed in Shafak's "Forty Rules of Love", when Shams is talking about the often mis-quoted passage about a man's rights over his wife. A poor translation and interpretation make it look like it's condoning physical abuse (and is widely accepted by most). A different interpretation would say the verse is telling the husband to walk away when there is an argument. These two interpretations are poles apart, so how do we proceed? We have to stop looking at mere words, and as we progress in faith, we have to understand the essence. Taken out of context, or with a bad translation, or even with a good translation, we will never be able to grasp the words fully unless we are scholars in Arabic, and even then we might have a hard time. Use your heart, is what Rumi says, not your head. 

Easier said than done, and not an exact science by any means. This is why there are so many conflicts in our own faith, with other faiths, and we find ourselves in the mess we are in today. I guess God wasn't going to make it that easy for us, He wanted us to also use our common sense and see which side of the line we fall on. 

No matter what your faith, insight is necessary in life. Understanding a bigger picture, a common good, knowing right from wrong... these are ideas that transcend words and our limited use of them. That's about as much justice I can do this topic with words alone. The rest is up to you.