Day Thirty Four

Rule 34

“Submission does not mean being weak or passive. It leads to neither fatalism nor capitulation. Just the opposite. True power resides in submission, a power that comes within. Those who submit to the divine essence of life will live in unperturbed tranquillity and peace; even the whole wide world goes through turbulence after turbulence.”

"God helps those who help themselves."

I have always been a firm believer in this simple fact. There's a joke that goes like this: Floods were about to hit a village. Warnings were issued, and people were told to evacuate. One household said, "We will not go, God will provide for us." The floods came and people left, except for that one house. With the rising waters, a boat came to rescue them. They said, "We will not go, God will protect us". When water had flooded their house, they climbed on top of their roof and waited. A rescue helicopter came to get them. They said, "We will not go, God will save us". And so they stayed, and so they drowned. When they stood before God, they were hurt and shocked, and said, "God, our faith in you never wavered! Why did you let us die? Why didn't you save us?" To which God replied, "What are you talking about? I sent you a warning, then a boat, and then a helicopter!"

Reality is right in front of your face, whether you choose to accept it is your call. Submission does not mean weakness, it does not mean being a victim. Even if you are in a bad situation and there seems to be no way out, it is your choice to stay. It is your choice to accept that you have no power to change certain situations, and you certainly have no power to change people. 

Let me state this in no uncertain terms: NO ONE has the power to change ANYONE else. It's a lie our society will shove down your throat without the slightest consideration, and I have seen people feel like utter failures for not being able to "change" another person, usually their partners. 

You can only change yourself, and that too only if YOU want to. Nor do you have to change for anyone else unless you absolutely want to change who you are, and maybe you have compelling reasons to do that. In which case, good for you. 

We can't even change our children, to be honest. They are given to us as presents, complete with minds and personalities of their own. They are not extensions of us, their legacies are not linked to ours. They must forge their own path in this world. They must never be "weak or passive", no. But they must accept when things are the way they are, simply because they are. But, as soon as a solution presents itself, it is also our choice to take action. Submission is not subservience. It is acceptance. A quality we all could use more of today. 

happy mother's day

Day Thirty Three

Rule 33

“While everyone in this world strives to get somewhere and become someone, only to leave it all behind after death, you aim for the supreme stage of nothingness. Live this life as light and empty as the number zero. We are no different from a pot. It is not the decorations outside but the emptiness inside that holds us straight. Just like that, it is not what we aspire to achieve but the consciousness of nothingness that keeps us going.”

With only one week left of this 40 day journey (seriously? It's almost 40 days? Where has the time gone...), the rules are getting serious. 

So, I have some trouble with this one. As a parent, it's almost impossible to live your life as "light and empty as the number zero". I'm not an ascetic. I'm a mother. I went to see a play this evening (more on that in a bit), and in every scene with a mother, I thought of my babies. When me and my friends started having kids, I told one of them, "You realize we are never going to have a proper night's sleep again for the rest of our lives, right?" We both sat in silence, looking shell-shocked and letting the weight of that sink in. My mother, to this day, says she sleeps better when we are all under the same roof as her. Your heart goes wherever your child goes, it is no longer yours. I cannot have it any other way, nor would I. My kids might find this hard to believe because I'm so strict, but instinctively they are the same. We will always have that umbilical cord connecting us. 

The play I saw this evening was a beautiful project that was a long time coming by Theatre Wallay, an Islamabad-based theatre group, and the US Embassy and Fulbright Association. The project is called "Voices of Partition", and the play is called "Dagh Dagh Ujala" ("This Stained Dawn"). It's a collection of actual partition stories told from the perspective of all those in the Indian subcontinent who were affected. I was crying, I was laughing, and my heart hurt thinking of the struggles through which this country was born. Born in blood... perhaps that's why it's so hard to shake this legacy. 

When I looked at this rule earlier, I didn't know what to do with it, honestly. As I watched the partition stories before me, I understood that when stripped of our identities, we are as light as zero. People forced out of their homes within a few hours, told to leave everything behind and simply take what could fit in one bag. Forced to leave and start over in a new land, in an unfamiliar place. Wondering where we are and how we got there. Losing loved ones, friends... stripped down to zero. 

As Tyler Durden's character in "Fight Club" (authored by Chuck Palahniuk) so aptly put it: 

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your f**king khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."

Rumi would probably make some edits to that last sentence, but you get the idea. When did we let rich old men define our dreams for us, so we could make them more rich? Here's another Durden gem: 

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

Except we really aren't that pissed off in general. We let ourselves be blinded by the perks and forget about the price we pay for this life. I may not be an ascetic, but if I could, I'd pack my bags, grab my family, and head to a Thai beach for the whole summer to do some work (to self-sustain such a long travel period) and have fun with my girls. A mom can dream, right? 

As for being light as zero, that will never really happen for me, I just have to accept it. I feel a responsibility of showing my girls that they can dream any dream, and hard work is nothing to be afraid of if it brings you closer to something that really makes you happy. Then it's not work, it's your calling. And yet, to always be conscious of "nothingness", and be grateful, not greedy. This is one that will take a lifetime to achieve. 

Day Thirty Two

Rule 32

“Nothing should stand between you and God. No imams, priests, rabbis or any other custodians of moral or religious leadership. Not spiritual masters and not even your faith. Believe in your values and your rules, but never lord them over others. If you keep breaking other people’s hearts, whatever religious duty you perform is no good. Stay away from all sorts of idolatry, for they will blur your vision. Let God and only God be your guide. Learn the Truth, my friend, but be careful not to make a fetish out of your truths.”

I'd like to take this rule and plaster it everywhere. Ev-er-y-wheeeeeere. I'd like to graffiti it on the streets, put it all over social media, and keep writing this everywhere till everyone sees it. 

"Believe in your values and your rules, but never lord them over others."

Assuming you actually know right from wrong (an assumption I am loathe to make in certain cases), don't be a self-righteous prig. 

"If you keep breaking other people’s hearts, whatever religious duty you perform is no good."

No comment. Just... why, human race, why? 

And yes, you read the word right, it's "fetish", but not in the sense you're thinking (get your mind out of the gutter, people!). It's the anthropological sense, where you think an object has religious or mystical powers. This is my "lucky shirt". It's cute, but you can't actually believe it. Well, I did. I was a very superstitious teenager, if I had a bad day wearing a certain shirt, I would not wear it ever again. I similarly wrote off a necklace. I had a red hoodie that I believed got me good grades if I wore it to an exam. My special "Allah" pendant with an evil eye I wore everyday, and as I got older, every time I traveled. I also believed that if I carry an umbrella, it won't rain, but the day I won't, it will. So I always carried an umbrella, every single day, all of high school and first year of uni. 

It was exhausting, keeping track of patterns with lifeless objects that way. These days, everything is about functionality and practicality. Having kids really makes you pull your head out of your own butt, which is something I desperately needed (not saying everyone does! But I did, well and truly). 

Perhaps fetish can also mean fetish the way all you potty-minds thought about it as well (ok, ok, I thought that at first, too, guilty as charged). Some people definitely get off on their own truths, that's why they love lording them over everyone else. Religious or otherwise. If you know something is true, and believe it deep down, my advice is - read your audience. Not all audiences are receptive to the truth, and it's not always my job to call people out on their awful preconceived notions. I used to love engaging with my interns on their preconceived notions, for instance, because they were open to the discussion. Maybe very few people had asked them why they thought a certain way about something, and it made them feel they mattered to discuss it. I loved talking to them, hearing their thoughts, and questioning stereotypes with them. Young people have a lot to say, and any meaningful change we start now will have to gather speed with them. On the other hand, I absolutely dread engaging in debates with people on social media, and elders or others I don't know well. Social media debates... the equivalent of poking yourself in the eye with a red hot poker. 

Speaking of social media, I read something that made me think - why do we yell at each other when we are angry, even if we're standing face to face? It's because at that point, our hearts are far apart from each other. I don't like thinking that my heart is far from my kids, and that's another reason not to yell, which is still proving to be a challenge for me. We've been talking about it regularly, though, I hope that's helping on some level. Before bed, we looked at old pictures and videos from when they were little babies. If there's one way to immediately bridge the gap between hearts, that has got to be it - the air was simply filled with love and beautiful memories. If you're having a hard day, pull out some old photographs of happy times. Or chubby babies. Man, I just want to eat those chubby little cheeks. That's one of the things I say a lot to my kids: "Can I eat your face?" It's one of the reasons this blog has the odd name it does. 

Day Thirty One

Rule 31

“If you want to strengthen your faith, you will need to soften inside. For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather. Through an illness, accident, loss or fright, one way or another, we are all faced with incidents that teach us how to become less selfish and judgmental and more compassionate and generous. Yet some of us learn the lesson and manage to become milder, while some others end up becoming even harsher than before…”

"It is life that has made me the way I am." Something you will hear often, kind of a mantra for the bitter I suppose. I know I've said it often enough! Life throws curveballs at you. Some of them are practically molotov cocktails aimed at your head. Survival is hard, and you have to be strong to do it, I firmly believe that. 

But does "strong" actually mean what we think it means? My head would say, close yourself off to this pain, don't ever allow it to happen again, people are scum, etc. etc. In my heart I would know that's not true, though. My cynic and my romantic sides are always conversing with each other, the dichotomy is something I accept and embrace, since both are necessary. 

There are tragedies beyond comprehension, and it's hard to say at that point that anything is meant to be. I have seen people in such circumstances, and many of them are still the most loving and positive people you will meet. It makes you marvel at their strength, but I still wish they never had to go through such trials. 

It is often the petty trials that bring out our ugliest side, and that's where I feel this rule packs a punch. Don't fall into the traps, try to empathise. I read somewhere that we should never take anything personally, because whatever wrong someone does to you is about them, their own issues and insecurities. A few years ago, a friend of ours and her 5-year old son were held at gunpoint in her car outside a bakery. The gunman pointed the gun at her child's head and said, "Say you forgive me for stealing your car". She complied, the car was stolen, but both were safe. When I told this story to another friend as a caution to be vigilant in that area, he said, "Wow, that's someone who's having a really bad day". He meant the assailant. I would have never considered thinking about the kind of day the assailant was having, quite frankly. On the one hand, I felt like saying, "What?? Are you kidding me?", but on the other hand, I admired his compassion. I still feel the same. 

At the end of every yoga class, our teacher leads us in a wish at the end of meditation: "May all be free from disease and disability, may all look to the good of one another, may all be happy, and may none suffer from sorrow". It is a wish for all mankind, and it's one of my favorite things about class. After nap time, of course. 

Day Thirty

Rule 30
“The true Sufi is such that even when he is unjustly accused, attacked and condemned from all sides, he patiently endures, uttering not a single bad word about any of his critics. A Sufi never apportions blame. How can there be opponents or rivals or even “others” when there is no “self” in the first place? How can there be anyone to blame when there is only One?”

Yesterday, I touched briefly on why I walked away from my first love... theatre. It stopped being a team sport, which was what I loved most about it. It became about outdoing each other, outdoing your last show, every time the focus shifted more towards what your general public wants. Creatively, it was slow murder. Insolent Knights, the troupe Natasha Ejaz and I formed together in 2008, was born out of a desperate need to put the fun and creativity back into theatre, and take out all the pressure of "outdoing" anything or anyone, censorship restrictions, and funding or sponsorships. We performed in a tiny room at Civil Junction our first year, with audiences sitting on the floor and packed in like sardines. We had one spotlight (a tall lamp we borrowed from Atif Siddique's house and brought to the venue in my Santro with the top part sticking out of the window as Atif held it), a portable stereo which we only used once, and no entrance charge. This was only possible because Mr. Arshed Bhatti, the owner of CJ, was kind enough to let us use that space for free (something he did on so many various occasions I don't think we can ever properly thank him). 

We had so much fun in those early performances, and took such creative license that we miss it. We performed at NCA Pindi, Nysa Lounge, and Kuch Khaas, where we have performed since 2010. Insolent Knights is still dear to my heart, but I feel we've lost our raw quality, that experimental feel. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that Natasha and I aren't in the same city anymore, and part of the energy was the two of us laughing hysterically over chips and soup at CJ. Us saying, "Wouldn't it be crazy if...?" Of course it would be crazy, and that's how we liked it. It was not about perfect performances, not at all - we embraced all the lost creative souls in the city just because they wanted to be there. You want to perform? We will find a way to include you. There were no auditions, just an open door policy. We worked a lot on the newbies, no doubt, from writing to performance, but it was that atmosphere of creativity without stifling control that made it special... at least to me. 

I could blame a number of things for why I walked away from commercial theatre, but the blame game is pointless. The only truth worth knowing is that I chose to walk away from it. I might go back, one day, if the time is right. When and if I do, I will know better not to take everything to heart, not to be mortally afraid of failure, and to create from within.

Even if you have to pay the bills and do something that you're not crazy about, find the time to create for yourself. Not because it's what people will like to read / see / hear, NO. But because it's what you want to say, what you have to say, otherwise you will spontaneously combust. Create because you need to create. 

As for competition, when you create for yourself, there is no competition, not even yourself. 

On a completely unrelated note, I have an observation to share, and I'm curious about whether or not this happens with other people also. Here goes: every time I get a phone call, my offspring decide that it's the perfect time to pretend like they're training for the circus. I mean, that's the only thing I can imagine they must be trying to do, otherwise how can I explain the acrobatic jumping, running in circles and loud yelling? It happens every single time, and can only end in tears (both mine and theirs). I've tried going into another room, only to be followed endlessly. As a result, I rarely talk on the phone anymore, so people think I'm careless with my phone (true) or antisocial (possibly), but... it's just too stressful. There's no way I can concentrate on a phone conversation in such conditions. I think I also have phone phobia. I don't know if that's a thing, but if it is, I have it. It started as a mortal fear of the phone ringing when one of the babies had just fallen asleep. After some time it became a mortal fear of the phone ringing at all. Ok, ok, I am getting better since they don't nap anymore, now it's more me leaving my phone in a different room. I apologize to my friends who have been let down by my phone phobias - it's not you, it's definitely me. 

Day Twenty Nine - 40 Rules of Love / 40 Days of Love

Rule 29

“Destiny doesn’t mean that your life has been strictly predetermined. Therefore, to live everything to the fate and to not actively contribute to the music of the universe is a sign of sheer ignorance. The music of the universe is all pervading and it is composed on 40 different levels. Your destiny is the level where you play your tune. You might not change your instrument but how well to play is entirely in your hands.” - Rumi

"You are entitled to nothing."

- Frank Underwood, "House of Cards"

Finally started season 3 of "House of Cards", I wanted to wait till I could focus and really enjoy it. Oh, how I love the show. Every time Kevin Spacey breaks the fourth wall, I feel gleeful like a kid in a candy store. And Robin Wright... holy wow. It's the modern day Macbeth, and I adore it. 

In a game-changing speech in the second episode, Frank Underwood looks straight at the camera and tells the American people, "You are entitled to nothing." 

Think about that for a moment. You are entitled to nothing. Recently we've been seeing a lot of talk about not raising a generation of "entitled" brats. I'm sure you all know some entitled little sh*ts, as well, people who walk around expecting that they are due something simply because of who they are. Or simply because they are. 

"It's my fate."

"It's my destiny."

It's all bull. You make your fate, you make your destiny. If there's anything you can learn from the Underwoods, it's that you have to seize the opportunities, nobody gets anything by waiting around because it's their "destiny". Obviously, you shouldn't resort to the means the Underwoods use to get what they want (uhhhh... they're ruthless sociopaths). But there is no way you will fulfil any destiny other than being a couch potato if you don't help yourself.

Until very - and I mean very - recently, I had the worst writer's block. My own words scared the living daylights out of me, and I can't explain why. I can only guess at the things that contributed to it. One of those is that theatre is practically a competitive sport, especially where I live. You will always be compared to others, even if they are doing the polar opposite of what you're interested in. The revival was squashed before it was fully breathing, unfortunately.

Then, there was availability. In any industry, there is always going to be someone younger and with more free time than you to do the job. Some people can resume their normal pace after having kids and I am in such awe of them... I am clearly not one of them for a number of reasons (serious trust issues with caretakers, the need to be there regularly at bedtime, etc.). For a while, that meant I did absolutely nothing creatively, and that's exactly what I needed to do at the time. Sadly, stifling my creativity had other effects I didn't realize till I got through that haze. Once I made up my mind that I have to do something, and after trying to keep pace with single people at work, I realized that not only could I not keep up, I didn't want to. Still, I am not entitled to anything. So, if I want to do something with my life, I decided I have to do it on my own terms, in my own way, and I am still figuring out exactly what that is. Every single day, I try to take one step closer.

Are you playing the right instrument? If we must, let us change our instruments, stick to our instruments, or make up new instruments! That's not what matters, the important thing is to each play our own tune the best we can. Are you jamming right now? I hope you are, and if you've had a hard time with it, take it from someone who was on mute for a while... you'll get there, but it's in your hands to start playing again.